Miss Beatrice,

 

The church organist,

 

Was in her eighties

 

And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness

 

And kindness to all.

 

One afternoon the pastor

 

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

 

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

 

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

 

The young minister

 

Noticed a   cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it.

 

The bowl was filled

 

With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

 

When she returned

 

With tea and scones,

 

They began to chat.

 

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

 

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

 

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

 

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

 

Pointing to the bowl.

 

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

 

I was walking through

 

The Park a few months ago

 

And I found this little package On the ground.

 

The directions said

 

To place it on the organ,

 

Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

 

 

Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

Lady: Do you drink?

  Man: Yes

  Lady: How much a day?

  Man: 3 six packs

  Lady: How much per six pack

  Man: about $10.00

  Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

  Man: 15 years

  Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which
puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

  Man: Correct

  Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

  Man: Correct

  Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

 

 

  Man: Do you drink?

  Lady: No...

 

  Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari?

As a fellow Texan, this should be on everyone's bucket list.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDQANmQO2g0

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

A man enters a church and finds the priest. "How may I help you son?" asks the priest. "I am looking for my wife, she said she would be here but as I can see she's not around. Now that am here, I would like to confess".

They go to the confession area, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"What are your sins my son?"

The man replies,"The other day, I went looking for my wife at her home but she was not there. I found her sister alone, I slept with the sister."

"Oh, that is sin, but at least you came to confess".

"Then another day I went looking for her at her aunt's place but she was not there, I found her cousin alone, I slept with the cousin".

"You know that is wrong my son".

"Then the other day I went looking for her at her working place. She was not there, I found her colleague alone,.."

The priest interrupts, "Let me guess, you slept with her colleague?" "Yes father". There was silence after that.

Father?" Father?" Still silent.

The man peeps through and finds out that the priest is no longer there . He looks for him and finds him hiding. "Why are you hiding father?" The priest replies, "I've just realized I'm the only one here and you came looking for your wife"...

All those cackling black birds beware.  Time to find somewhere else to roost and leave your droppings on someone elses car.

 

  PIPER MINI - VULCAN CO2 POWERED GATLING GUN - Only 20 of these gun were made - The gun is very well made on precision C&C machinery - The gun uses a CO2 12oz paintball cylinder and fires standard BBs - The 6 barrels rotate using a 12 volt electric motor powered by 8 C batteries -

 

My love is lost.
I held it as a handful of sand, clenching my fist
to hold it there.
Yet, bit by bit, it slipped through my straining fingers.

Now, nothing but memories of every smile, every kiss,
and, above all, every word.
For 'twas not into my ear you whispered but into
my heart.
'Twas not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

And when I opened my tired hand and found my
love was gone
I trembled and died.

My handful of existence has vanished.

 

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

 

Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..