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  • Time


    The Hour

    Hand rests on your bare shoulder

    Ready to descend

    Slowly down silky skin

    Palm caressing curves

    Resting on a firm nipple



    The Minute

    Hand moves an eternity

    Quickly tracing your

    Lips, moist and willing



    The Second

    Hand finds your

    Hip, thigh

    Pulse

    Heart beating with each second



    It’s Time

  • Stand Up In It

    http://youtu.be/EegO_kvasPM

     

     

  • Offensive joke warning

    If you get a chuckle out of this your probably a GUY and not some kind of metrosexual, over civilized wimp.  

     

    So a wife was commenting to her doctor one day about the recent fighting she had been having with her husband whenever

    he came home drunk after an evening of carousing around.  

    The doctor said, "I have just the solution to your problem.  The next time he comes home drunk, go to the bathroom and gargle

    with mouthwash until he falls asleep."

    So it wasn't long before he went out for a while and came home drunk.  The wife did as the doctor had suggested and gargled her

    mouthwash until he fell asleep.

    The next day she went to see the doctor and told him how well the suggestion had worked and that they didn't get into a fight.

    The doctor said, "You see how well things worked out if you just keep your mouth shut!

     

     

    Well it was funny in the all male control room and I can't do voice inflection or timing in text....lol

  • your duck is dead

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet

        "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.  He returned  a  few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner  looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front  paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.  He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,
    "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.  If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

  • State Police are cracking down

    HOT OFF THE PRESS!!!!!!!  ENJOY

     Texas State Police are cracking down on Speeders

    The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas .

    For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

    and....

    Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
    A. The Dallas Cowboys

    Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
    A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Oh My God".

    Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
    A. Put up a goal post.
     
    Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
    A. Old

    Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
    A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
     

    Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
    A. Nobody remembers.
     

    Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
    A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

  • Want to work on an offshore oil rig?

    How to get used to working on an offshore rig:

     

    • Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 2 weeks straight. 

     

    • Yell at your neighbor if he walks outside without a hardhat and boots.

     

    •  Have your family eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then yell at them for spending too much work time in the bathroom.

     

    • Make your family complete a JSA before they operate any appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

     

    • Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch Fox News and the Country Music station.

     

    • Have the family vote on which TV channels to watch and then pick different ones.

     

    • Sew reflective strips to the front of all your shirts.

     

    • Reprogram all your phones so that you have to dial 99 the number and # to call anyone outside your neighborhood. When you do call wait 3 seconds after every question before speaking.

     

    • Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

     

    • Buy $50,000 worth of radio equipment "in case" there is an emergency and hire a qualified radio operator to "man the station"..... then make them pay your bills, arrange your travel and answer all your phone calls.

     

    • When your kids come home with A's on their report card buy them a camouflage hat with flames down the side and the family name embroidered across the brim.

     

    • Yell at your wife if she cooks anything but fried chicken for lunch on Sunday

     

    • Each Christmas when your aunt Jane and uncle Jim visit make them stay on the porch until they have watched a 2 hour video of yourself pointing out all the fire extinguishers and smoke alarms in your house.

     

    • Never call a local repair man when your stove breaks. Instead call someone in the UK and pay for their flight. When they arrive call the taxi company and give them strict orders not to pick the repairman up until the stove is fixed.

     

    • Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."

     

    • Designate a room in the house as "The Control Room" then make your kids sit their in front of a computer screen for 12 hours. Tell them that if anything turns red they could cost the family millions of dollars.

     

    • Tell your neighbor to call you when ever they see a thunderstorm in your area.

     

    • Leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.

     

    • Head to the local dive "bar" and ask the first retired guy you see to sit in your home office scratching his nuts. Make him a plaque reading "company man" and tell him to "remind" you daily about every squeaky floor, dripping faucet, late mail deliveries.... Tell him to invite his friends over and when they show up move your kids into the garage so they have a nice bed to sleep in.

     

    • Each morning jot down the wind speed/direction, barometer reading and the amount of fluids in your hot water heater, gas tank, lawn mower.... convert the figures you get into whatever unit of measurement you did not use and write it down in 6 different places.

     

    • Have your kid monitor the police scanner 24 hours a day "just in case there's an emergency.

     

    • Go to your local elementary school and ask the principal to send you a weekly list of the stupidest things the kindergarteners have done that week.

     

    • Call a meeting with your family every Monday and read the list with a straight face.

     

    • Place toothpicks, picante sauce and a can of Tony Chachere's on your kitchen table.

     

    • Call 911 and tell them to send a helicopter each time your son falls off his bike.

     

    • Eat only at all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants that specialize in fried foods. Bonus points if you have a view of the cooking area from your table and the place primarily employs nose-pickers and butt-scratchers.

     

    • Twice a day (or more if possible) get everyone together in as small a room as possible (a closet or bathroom should do) and have a meeting to listen to someone tell you what you did all day. Bonus points for reiterating statements multiple times (i.e. "Like Joe said, safety is...").  

     

     

  • THE HUSBAND SUPERSTORE

    Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.  It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.  The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you could choose a man from only that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, NEVER to return.

    A couple of girlfriends, who after enduring some bad dates and so so boyfriends, decided they were tired of dating and wanted more.  Seeing the shopping center, they decided to go and find a husband........

    FIRST FLOOR.....

    The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids".  The women read the sign and said, "Well thats better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"  So up they went.....

    SECOND FLOOR.....

    The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids and are good looking."  "Hm mmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?".....

    THIRD FLOOR.....

    This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the ladies,  "Very tempting, but there is another floor." So further up they went.....

    FOURTH FLOOR.....

    This door had a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."  "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be waiting further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.....

    FIFTH FLOOR.....

    The sign on the door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

  • Angel without Wings

    looking into your eyes
    i see all i want to be
    and i don't want it to end
    if i could only put to words the way
    i see you
    i only know i had an angel with me now

    and when i fall asleep
    you're all that i see
    you're in my thoughts
    and all of my prayers
    i wish i could be
    all that you mean to me

    my angel without wings
    my angel

    i wish you could see
    all that you mean to me
    but i can never find the words
    to tell you

    and when i fall asleep
    you're all that i see
    you're in my thoughts
    and all of my prayers
    i wish i could be
    all that you mean to me

    and when i fall asleep
    you're all that i see
    you're in my thoughts
    and all of my prayers
    i wish i could be
    all that you mean to me
    my angel without wings

  • Blonde on Blonde...

    I apologize to my fellow xangans in advance, but I could not resist a bit of light humor tonight.  Work has been especially stressful lately.

     

    A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over.

    The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license.

    The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'

    Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

    The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.

    The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

     

     

  • Poetry of Love?

    Ah, love, let us be true.
    To one another! for the world which seems
    To lie before us like a land of dreams,
    So various, so beautiful, so new,
    Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
    Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
    And we are here as on a darkling plain
    Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
    Where ignorant clash by night.